I've never really thought I would ever be one to live with something outside of the "normal." Throughout high school, I was smart, had a lot of friends, and used to love going out and socialising. I had no issues with speaking in front of my class, because I knew each of them individually, and hung out with almost all of them outside of school. Then I had to move countries, and it all came to a sudden reality that I had been living with anxiety for a lot longer than what I had known.
I have always been a shy person around new people, that's just me and my personality, but I have never been one to have a hard time making friends. And coming to Canada, knowing no one, I have had an extremely hard time making a bond with someone. Obviously I have Cree now, but I don't have a girl friend I can call and say lets go shopping. I am literally sat in every weekend, because I don't have the social skills anymore. I try and make an effort when we go places yes, but it is really hard.
I first realised when I was living with anxiety when I started a new job. I would feel like the room was closing in around me, like I was really claustrophobic, cold sweats, knees weak, therefore causing me to almost faint every time. This happened several times that year, and I genuinely thought it was just something that happened to everyone. But then I realised that this had happened in the past, in Australia, when my life was easy and stress-free (aka, I had school, a job, friends, and no money issues). I then realised that this was something out of the ordinary, and it had to do with me.
I find it very difficult to talk to new people my age now. I find it hard to socialise at parties, and strike up conversations to make friendships. I cry and breakdown sometimes, out of nowhere. I get emotional about the most trivial things, and my mind takes over. I lay in bed some nights, with thoughts running through my head, about things that may have happened weeks ago.
This year I really want to try and starting saying yes to more things, get back out of my comfort zone, and live my life how I would've if I was still living in Australia. I need to stop caring about what others think of me, and stop worrying about things I can not change. This is 2016, and me writing this post is a wake up call to myself that I need to take a step back once in a while and enjoy reality, because as I am writing this, I feel as though I haven't been living my life to the fullest. Here's to a year of happiness, gratitude and stepping out into the world!
Lots of love,
Courtney x
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